This gave me paws

I love word play and, like many people I know, I think kittens are utterly irresistible. But the combination of same on this holiday card from U.S. Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez (addressed to me) seems bizarre at best — a target for catty remarks.* 

Card front

Captioning: “Pet The Cat. (term.) The act of surfing down the line of a breaking wave while dragging one’s hand across the face of the wave.”
Image: Wetsuit-clad Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez, with kitty-cat Gretzky strategically positioned on her lap.  

Card inside

Captioning: “May this year’s big blue wave carry you in to a joyous and happy holiday season. Love, Loretta and Gretzky (a.k.a. “Shark Biscuit”)”
Image: Dana Point waves, by photographer Dave Sweeney

(*What, you wanted to see the fur fly? This isn’t the blog where that happens. If you’re looking for claws-extended, down-and-dirty cat fights, you gotta go here.)

It’s all about You!

Traditionally speaking, Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” award is bestowed upon those who “most affected the news and our lives this year, for good or for ill.” The recipient list leans toward individuals, but in the past, the title has also gone to groups of people and, in two unusual cases, an invention and Planet Earth. For example, CNN.com readers recently submitted this slate of potential winners of the 2006 title.  

But lo and behold – and aren’t you just loving it – this year, it’s all about You! As if you didn’t already know you were Someone Special, Time just rolled out a red-carpet tribute to You, 2006 Person of the Year. 

Here, a small snippet of the ego-stroking article:

“[W]ho actually sits down after a long day at work and says, I’m not going to watch Lost tonight. I’m going to turn on my computer and make a movie starring my pet iguana? I’m going to mash up 50 Cent’s vocals with Queen’s instrumentals? I’m going to blog about my state of mind or the state of the nation or the steak-frites at the new bistro down the street? Who has that time and that energy and that passion?

The answer is, you do. And for seizing the reins of the global media, for founding and framing the new digital democracy, for working for nothing and beating the pros at their own game, Time’s Person of the Year for 2006 is you.“

Take a long, admiring look at yourself in the mirrored cover of the magazine, and then go buy yourself a bottle of champagne and a runway-worthy outfit. Let this serve as your e-vite: we’re having a party to celebrate You!

The Recycling Bin

It’s a tried-and-true public relations ploy: release your bad news on a Friday, when people are too busy thinking about the weekend to watch you hauling your garbage out to the dumpster. If your timing’s right, the shelf life on your story will reach its expiration date before publishers put out their Monday papers.

Once again, I’ve rescued a few stories from my news sources’ garbage bins, just in case you missed them. One man’s trash is another man’s treasures, so I’m affixing as-is warranty stickers … you decide what they’re worth.

Tara Conner, the reigning Miss USA, is apparently on Santa’s Naughty List, but after a thorough review of Miss USA’s much-publicized misconduct, pageant co-owner Donald Trump decided she’s not fired.

Last week, Britney Spears misplaced her underwear, and now, she’s apparently ditched her new BFF, Paris Hilton. Page Six reports that “Britney has been told by her people that if she ever wants a comeback, she has to stay far away from Paris and start acting like an adult.” 

Guests at the Beverly Hilton this Thursday bore witness to a great deal of fanfare, tearing open of envelopes, and gnashing of teeth. Golden Globe officials chose this tony location to announce their nominees for their 64th annual awards. For best motion picture comedy or musical, the nominations went to “Borat,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Dreamgirls,” “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Thank You for Smoking.” BORAT? YA author John Green says “Borat” makes him believe in America again, but others say the movie bears witness to the final decline of civilization.

 Fox Network executives are watching with worry the plummeting ratings of its once-popular show,“The O.C.” The Los Angeles Times offers this early obituary for the series: “Like a homecoming queen stripped of her tiara, Orange County is facing a future without a series that served as a weekly hourlong infomercial for Newport Beach and has even persuaded families to cross oceans for a firsthand look.”

Speaking of garbage…Miss Snark’s Crapometer is now officially open. Brave writers are invited to submit a hook of 250 words, then stand back and wait with bated breath to see what the Crapometer spits back out. “Be fully prepared for “this sux”; “wtf” and “try to write in English” and other very very snarky comments,” Miss Snarkwarns. “If you have thin skin, a tender heart, and/or are easily persuaded to put your manuscript in a gas oven, think twice before sending.”

This is Donald Rumsfeld’s last day at the Pentagon. When asked on October 11 whether he took responsibility for what went wrong in Iraq, he snapped back at the questioner, “Of course I bear responsibility. My lord, I’m secretary of defense. Write it down. Quote it. You can bank it.” Unfortunately, we’ve already paid an extremely high price for this war in blood and treasure, and war profiteers are more likely to make bank on this conflict than the Iraqi people we allegedly are trying to help. Heck of a job, Rummy.

Got any “garbage” you’d like to add to the pile?

 

“…She’s the one who’s doing her own thing…”

I just got an email from Borders, inviting me to take advantage of their holiday discounts on cookbooks. Anyone who knows me would see this as irrefutable proof that targeted marketing has not yet been perfected.

 

I took one look at the words in their headline — Cook, Share, & Be Merry — and started laughing. While I wasn’t inspired to buy any cookbooks, I did find myself singing this Sesame Street song:

 

Two of these words belong together

Two of these words are kind of the same

Can you guess which one of these words doesn’t belong here?

Now it’s time to play our game, time to play our game!

Cook? Who, me?

Really, Santa, it wasn’t my fault!

On Sunday, we took our houseguest to Roger’s Gardens, an outdoor paradise for upscale Orange County residents who are looking for the finest greenery their greenbacks can buy –- and who can afford to hire other people to dig their purchases into the dirt.

 

Around Christmastime, Roger’s Gardens stocks their indoor boutique with theme-based Christmas trees and an impressive array of needful things.  Perhaps the most popular area in the whole store is the Christopher Radko corner. There, you’ll find finely crafted ornaments to match your every interest and to suit every season, as long as price isn’t an object for you, of course. Each handcrafted ornament takes a full seven days to create, and their prices are a reflection of their exclusive, exquisite nature (ranging from $45.00 to hundreds of dollars).

 

Can you imagine the awe I felt as I gently held one in my hand, marveling over the craftsmanship and creativity? And can you perhaps also empathize with the horror I felt as a large man bumped my elbow from behind, startling me and sending that gorgeous ornament crashing to the floor?

 

A bejeweled woman in a Furstenberg wrap-around dress and four-inch heels (who had, until that fateful moment, been standing next to me) rushed to put distance between the two of us. “Oh, I’m glad that wasn’t me,” I heard her whisper to her friend as they both backed away. Meanwhile, I stood frozen in that spot, clutching the hanger that had somehow detached itself from the now-destroyed ornament and wishing for some sort of seismic activity to open the ground beneath me and swallow me whole.

 

Graciously and without a single sidelong look of disapproval, a store clerk rushed in, whisked the colorful glass shards into a dustpan, and then unceremoniously dumped the remnants into a nearby garbage can. Apparently, in this fantasyland environment, they don’t have a “You break it, you buy it” policy. Whew! So as shoppers around me returned to their conspicuous consumption, I retreated — as inconspicuously as possible under the circumstances — into the well-heeled, mostly high-heeled, crowd.

 

And so it was that I temporarily stepped through the looking glass and into Wonderland, leaving shards of glass in my wake. 

Photo credit: Christopher Radko ornament, 2006

Ho! Ho! Ho! A Holiday Meme!

 

[info]whiskersink

 passed on this meme and headed off at the pass any ba-humbug attempts to ignore her. “Everyone has time for a few moments of fun,” she said, throwing down this holiday gauntlet for good measure:  “Don’t be a Scrooge!!!” Well, okay, since she put it like that…

 

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Chocolate triumphs over all. I drink Swiss Miss Diet hot chocolate. (Santa, are you listening? I’m trying to be good!) In my mug: none of the creamy, chocolatey goodness of traditional hot chocolate — but hey, in that 25 calorie cupful, I get all my calcium, some cocoa flavor, and none of the guilt.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
I assume he has his elves wrap them, because we always have pretty packages under our tree — and stockings, of course.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
White lights…our ornaments take center stage. We don’t use outside lights, but if we did, I’d string up the large, multi-colored bulbs.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope. Don’t need it!  =:)

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Whenever I can get my guys to bring the tree down from the rafters in from the cold.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Blueberry buckle coffee cake, served with steaming mugs of vanilla-flavored coffee on Christmas morning.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
Unwrapping a Drink-and-Wet baby doll, when I was about seven years old. I immediately wrote “C.P.” (Cootie Protection) on her palm; back in the day, that’s how we “immunized” our dolls against boy germs.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
My mom told us about Santa when we were very young. I say this without any remnants of sadness: as a child, we were never allowed to hold onto fantasies for long.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Yes, we open gifts from friends and extended family on Christmas Eve. Santa gifts get opened on Christmas morning…assuming, that is, that Santa hasn’t put us on his “naughty” list! 

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
On our 7-foot tree, we hang a host of commercially–produced and homemade ornaments — each of them well loved because they’re gifts from someone important to us, or they’re memories of an occasion or place that we’ve visited. Unwrapping the ornaments and hanging them on the tree is an annual trip down Memory Lane.

11. Snow: Love it or dread it?
Snow is beautiful on a greeting card, but I really, really dislike being out in the cold.

12. Can you ice skate?
I could, if I took a private and prolonged set of lessons, but again, I wouldn’t want to subject myself to freezing conditions.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
My favorite gift is being surrounded by family and friends. I know that sounds treacly, but it’s true.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?
See #13.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
I don’t eat desserts (not that I don’t love them, mind you, but see #1). If I wanted to indulge, I’d probably choose something untraditional, like warm berry crisp with vanilla bean ice cream melting over the top.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Lighting the Christmas tree and lighting the menorah.

17. What tops your tree?
An angel ornament…except when she topples down from the top, whcih is often, because I can’t figure out how to get her to sit and stay. It’s frustrating, but there’s something humorous and metaphoric, isn’t there, about a fallen angel?

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Hmm…Is Santa listening? Seriously, , I love to find the Perfect Present for everyone on my holiday list. I practically wriggle out of my chair, just waiting for my family and friends to open their gifts. Does anyone other than me wake up early on Christmas morning, then have to wait (impatiently!) for everyone else to get up and see what Santa brought?

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Going back to my gospel roots, I love “Go Tell it on the Mountain,” which also has meaning as a civil rights song. Who can keep from smiling when they hear that song about Mr. Grinch? And for sheer beauty, I love “Ave Maria.”

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Meh.

Whew; I’m all finished! So now, I get to pass along the joy and gladness of doing this Holday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends to the following list of LJ people. You know the drill:Copy, and paste this into your Journal. Be sure to change my answers to your answers, then tag your own victims friends. 

brandie_writer
cherryredd
edenzdream
cocoskeeper
dragonegg
gneri
kelcrocker
kidlitkim
linbinwriter
marperez
pamm
papadan
jonstephens
and YOU! 
Whether you choose to play or not, God bless you, every one! 

Wombs with a View, reprise

I’m reposting this entry, just in case you overlooked it the first time but might be interested in seeing it tonight. (Click here for additional broadcast dates and times.)

Every once in a while, I discover an image so amazing, so beautiful that it moves me to tears. Then, of course, I want to play show-and-tell. So it is with this incredible, first-time photograph of an elephant fetus floating in its mother’s womb. 

I”ve just been browsing through an awe-inspiring photo and video gallery of pre-birth baby animals on the National Geographic website.  Now, I can’t wait to see their two-hour special, Animals In The Womb, tonight! 

Set up your TiVo or snuggle up on the sofa to watch the program with your family this evening. Meantime, you can peruse intrauterine pictures and videos of a swimming dolphin, a panting puppy, and a burgeoning baby elephant here.