throwback thursday

In the Author’s Tent: Catherine Pearlman chats with me about GUY STUFF

September 14, 2017 by Melodye Shore

Y’all remember my blog post about Logan Everett, right? American Girl’s first-ever boy doll? Well…ta da! In yet another first, they’ve just published a book for guys!

Written by Cara Natterson

GUY STUFF is a down-to-earth, quick read that covers everything boys want to know about their developing minds and bodies–from healthy eating to hygiene, hormones, emotions and peer pressure, GUY STUFF covers it all. And psst, because I know you were wondering: American Girl isn’t mentioned on the cover, the title page–anywhere, for that matter. This is a boy book, through and through.

Illustrations by Micah Player

Whew! It’s about time, don’t you think? As a proud mama of two sons, I searched high and low for books like this. Slim pickings, back in the day. But here’s to life, always changing for the better! And hurray for American Girl, stepping up to meet that need.

I think GUY STUFF fills a very important space, on bookshelves and in family conversations. But as Lavar Burton of Reading Rainbow used to say, “Don’t take my word for it!” Professionals like Dr. Catherine Pearlman* wholeheartedly agree.

I’ve invited Catherine to join me in The Author’s Tent, to share her unique perspectives on this book. She’s my friend, but she’s also the founder of The Family Coach and an author in her own right, having just released the critically acclaimed IGNORE IT. Hope you enjoy our Q & A session below And don’t miss the Lightning Round at the end!

Q: How can a book like Guy Stuff help kids and parents talk about puberty?

Catherine: Talking about our bodies can be difficult for grown-ups as well as for kids. Sometimes there’s shame and embarrassment. Often parents don’t feel comfortable using proper names for genitalia. Some parents may also be scared to talk about the changes coming for boys. Believe it or not some parents might not even know what to expect during puberty. Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys can facilitate the learning process and open up the discussion for both parents and boys. The book offers an excellent introduction to all that is to come for boys. It covers hormones, physical changes, acne, hair, self-care and much more. The pictures and tone are upbeat, nonthreatening and fun. This book provides an easy introduction that many parents and boys will appreciate partly because it is so well done. The cartoon drawings are adorable but informative.

Why do they even need a book?

For many parents talking about puberty is a struggle. Parents might not be sure when to start or what to say. Likewise, boys might have a hard time asking questions directly to their parents due to embarrassment. But puberty doesn’t wait for parents to become ready to talk. And if boys don’t learn all about the changes from their parents they will likely learn from the kids at school. The problem is often boys are misinformed or only know parts of the truth. Some points may be exaggerated or presented in a scary manner. Other important points may be skipped altogether. The book is such a helpful guide for parents. Sure, the talk can happen without the book. But it just helps parents know all of the topics to cover.

How do parents know when it’s time to introduce this book?

There is such a wide range of ages when boys begin to go through puberty. And it moves at a snail’s pace. Still, it’s important to introduce the concepts of puberty before it begins. This book is geared for boys in the 9 – 12 year old range. In my opinion, 12 is much too late to begin to have the puberty discussion because even if your child isn’t there yet, one of his friends could be. It’s better to be proactive telling boys all they need to know so they are ready when it begins. I’d begin thinking about the talk and book around 9-10 years old.

Should parents just give it to kids or review it together?

It really depends on the particulars. Parents should feel free to review this book with their sons. However, Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys could easily be read and understood by a boy in the recommended age range. It would be perfectly appropriate to give a boy this book. He will secretly devour it. But if a parent doesn’t review it with the child it would be a good idea to make sure the boy knows the parent is open to discussion or questions any time. And I’d recommend the parent following up every now and then to see if any new questions or concerns turn up. One main benefit of this book is that it’s incredibly useful if a parent or child is too bashful to discuss puberty.

What should parents do if they are too embarrassed to talk to their kids about puberty and the birds and bees?

There are two good options here. The best option is that parents take time to read up about puberty and sex and how to talk about these topics with kids. Being informed can help ease anxiety about the discussion. Ask for help when needed from a doctor or use books and articles to help share information. It’s important to remember the talk about puberty and sex shouldn’t be a one and done kind of talk. It should slowly evolve over time to include more age-appropriate information. It can get easier over time.

The second option is to find another grown up who would be willing to have the talk for you. This isn’t the best option but it’s certainly better than not discussing these issues with kids. For some parents this can be a good option if it is just too uncomfortable to have this discussion.

The worst option is for parents to just avoid discussing the topic altogether. Kids will be forced to learn about their bodies from the bits and pieces their friends bring up on the playground. Or they won’t learn at all. It’s too important to help kids through this process. And it’s even more vital that they know about sexually transmitted diseases, how babies are made and about consent. Don’t leave this up to chance that your son will be informed. Fight through the embarrassment and fear and do it anyway.

Do boys need men to help them learn about their body changes and puberty? What if a parent is a single mother of boys?

Boys absolutely do not need men to learn about their bodies and sex. Sometimes it might be easier for boys to talk to a man who has been through the same experience. But not always. Mothers can do an excellent job relaying this information based on what’s available in books and from their own experience. However, if a mother is taking on this role it’s a good idea to offer a grown man as a possible option for the boy if he has additional questions or concerns.

Thanks for spending time in the Author’s Tent with us today, Catherine. Your answers are as genuine and thoughtful as you are! And now…it’s time for the LIGHTNING ROUND! Whatever pops into your head, give it to us as a one-word answer.

Jersey Subs or California Rolls?

California rolls.

Paddleboard or snowboard?

Paddle board.

Favorite American Girl BeForever doll?

Addy.

*Catherine Pearlman, LCSW, PhD is the founder of The Family Coach, a private practice specializing in helping families resolve everyday problems related to discipline, sleep, and sibling rivalry, among other issues. Her syndicated Dear Family Coach column has appeared in The Wall Street Journal and many regional parenting magazines. She has appeared on TODAY and her advice has been featured in Parenting, Men’s Health and CNN.com. Dr. Pearlman is a licensed clinical social worker who has been working with children and families for more than twenty years. She is an assistant professor of social work at Brandman University, and her new book, IGNORE IT, is widely available.

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#TBT: Faded Photographs and Memories

March 2, 2017 by Melodye Shore

I know very little about this candid snapshot. Someone scrawled my name on the back, so I’m assuming it’s me. But it’s one of those pictures that raises more questions than it answers.

There’s a date stamp on the white border, which suggests the film roll was commercially developed. I hadn’t yet celebrated my first birthday, so what was the occasion? And whose shadow is that, hovering protectively over mine? Lost in the moment…so me. Probably concentrating on some newfound treasure, but I don’t know that for sure.

It’s not a keeper, in the traditional sense. But to me, it’s priceless, because it’s one of a handful of pictures that survived my itinerant childhood. And even in its blurry state, it manages to tell a story. My story. Here, the muted daughter of a fire-and-brimstone, fundamentalist preacher, who eventually found her own voice. Born into a cult-ish family, she eventually came into her own.

In this grainy, black-and-white photograph, I see also the broader picture. People don’t live forever. Snapshots fade, and memories gets swept into the dustbin of history. So don’t let your stories languish in a junk drawer (on a cell phone, a hard drive…). They belong to the collective, where they can be savored and shared.

#TBT: Bomb Shelter in Eden City, circa 1946

July 28, 2016 by Melodye Shore

The preacher’s wife rose from her pew one Sunday, said God revealed to her in a dream that an invading “army from the North” would soon overtake America. Russian soldiers would slaughter all the Christians, she warned.

“Come, build with me a ‘city of refuge.'” That’s what my Nana’s pastor said. (For more about Eden City, follow this link.)

Throwback Thursday: My Brother Roger (1943-2015)

October 29, 2015 by Melodye Shore

We didn’t stay in any one place for long, nor did we ever sit for family portraits. And while revival organizers sometimes took candid snapshots of my father’s fiery sermons and the like, most of those got pitched overboard to make room for an ever-expanding family. So by the time my siblings and I reached adulthood, only a handful of personal photographs remained.

Some wayward pictures were eventually returned by my father’s associates. Some found their way ‘home’ when I reached out to estranged family members. My sister Sheryll, who shares my interest in personal genealogy, tracked down quite a few photographs on her own. Secrets oftentimes stay buried, but we encouraged more than a few hoarders to share their private stash. And as it turned out, I retrieved a good number of images by climbing into my “Nancy Drew” roadster and following my father’s tire ruts down the Sawdust Trail.

When Roger passed away this month, I felt a hollowness in the places where his voice once reverberated. So precious–then and in hindsight–the times we shared in communion, recounting the highlights of our individual and shared stories. Such treasures, the memories and pictures we’ve managed to archive, for ourselves and future generations. This doesn’t seem to me the appropriate place to write my brother’s obituary, but I’ve assembled a small number of images that bear witness to his life.

To my brothers and sisters, a love offering. That’s already printed on the dedication page of my memoir–in my mind’s eye, at least. Same with the pictures of Roger that you see here.

Roger Suva was born in Detroit, Michigan in 1943.

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Roger’s standing next to the family dog, facing my father, who has my oldest sister Coral on his lap. A candid (?) snapshot, taken in front of my father’s revival tent in Johnson City, Tennessee.

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My brother Roger’s upper elementary school picture, taken the year I was born.

A front-porch respite from the cramped back seat of our family car, the summer before his senior year in high school.

Roger the Bookworm, shortly after college graduation (Wheaton Bible College, in Illinois).

A Christmas hug from his older daughter, Esther.

Hanging out on the front porch with Heather, his younger daughter (Anaheim, California).

1986 04 Jake and Darlene, Disneyland, Desert_20140413_0004

An outdoor enthusiast with an irrepressible wanderlust, Roger’s pictured here in Joshua Tree, watching for Halley’s Comet.

A vegetarian before it was fashionable, Roger espoused strong opinions about many things.

We shared a complicated story, and a tangled family tree. Here, Roger’s (re)introducing me to Cliff, whom I’d met on a couple of other occasions but hadn’t yet realized was my brother.

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The VW bus that Roger called home for several years before he died.

Throwback Thursday: Rusty Trucks at the End of the Road

October 23, 2015 by Melodye Shore

Two ice cream trucks, at rakish angles.

“Turkey in the Straw,” long since silenced.

Once upon a more simple time, they rumbled through quiet neighborhoods in rural Massachusetts, flanked on all sides by kids of all ages.

Legs churned, arms waved. Dimes glinted in the afternoon sunshine.

“Snow Cones, Push-up Pops, Creamsicles…come and get yours!”

A single row of barbed wire runs along the outside edges of the pasture where these utilitarian vehicles came to rest. They are nested, now, in tangles of ivy.

Hard to believe that the rust-covered metal was once a glossy white. The wiper blades are arthritic; the headlights, bleary.

Shredded tires are stashed on the floor, and the windows are smeared with nature’s residue.

Tired sentries, standing guard over the happy moments they once delivered:

Sweet frozen treats on hot summer days, tucked behind decorated metal awnings.

Their time has clearly come and gone.

And yet…

At the end of an old gravel road, within the loose confines of a pasture, someone’s mowed the grass around these time machines.

Their engines are long gone, and their beauty has long since faded. But maybe, just maybe– if we squint our eyes, just a little, and tilt our heads just so–nostalgia will carry us back to those blue-sky moments of our childhood.

#TBT A portrait of my Great Aunt Eleanor, drawn from memorabilia

May 7, 2015 by Melodye Shore

I know very little about my Great Aunt Eleanor, but these artifacts sure paint an interesting portrait!

Eleanor (“Nelly”) was born in Nottingham, England in 1887. She–along with many of my maternal grandmother’s family members–emigrated to West Brookfield, Massachusetts in 1916. Years later, Nana told us stories later about the WWI German submarines that chased their ship across the ocean, but at the time of their passage, the United States hadn’t yet entered “The War to End All Wars.”

People described Nelly as “high-spirited” and “adventuresome.” She and her husband, Allen T. Godfrey, were nothing if not enterprising. That’s what I heard tell.

When I steered my Nancy Drew roadster down bumpy roads, I found evidence of that.

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The Golden Rule Lunchroom, about 1927 (via West Brookfield, MA Archives)

Whoa, Nelly!

She died the year before I was born, which makes me wistful in this remembering. I think we might’ve shared some things in common. And oh, the family secrets we could spill, over afternoon tea!

Allen and Nelly Godfrey, 1946

Although she fashioned herself a writer, Nelly didn’t leave to future generations any poems, journals or books. She did, however, enter lots of contests, many of which she won. “Duz Does It All” was my great aunt’s award-winning slogan for a laundry detergent company.

Wartime was hard for everyone, with more than enough hardship to go around. Gasoline and groceries were rationed, and money was scarce. Few people owned automobiles in the small town where she lived. But there were whispers down the lane about a certain relative who very much enjoyed rumbling through the streets of West Brookfield, honking and waving to pedestrians from the driver’s seat of a shiny new Ford. It wasn’t common, back then, for women to slide behind the wheel. But Nelly being who she was, I suspect she felt entitled, being the Grand Prize Winner and all.

I’m picturing all this in my mind’s eye this morning, and oh, what a happy portrait it paints!

1947 Ford, via OldCarAdvertising.com

#TBT: 5th grade Christmas concert

April 16, 2015 by Melodye Shore

5th Grade Choir (Dallas, Texas)

Though I once made “a joyful noise” in my father’s revival meetings, you can see here just how uncomfortable I’ve become with singing aloud.

If our eyes are indeed the windows to our soul, I’ve drawn opaque curtains across mine. On-stage or offstage, didn’t matter; my singing voice was locked inside.

But oh happy day, that’s all in the past. Coming very soon, my follow up to The Caged Bird Sings.

#TBT: 1963 (We shall overcome)

April 2, 2015 by Melodye Shore

School picture, circa 1963

In this same year, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his “I Have a Dream” speech–a defining moment for the African-American Civil Rights movement; a church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama kills 4 African-American girls, fueling outrage; Pete Seeger’s “We Shall Overcome” strikes a chord with nonviolent activists; and the world mourns President John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

#TBT City of Refuge, woman of courage

March 12, 2015 by Melodye Shore

Shown here, my sweet Nana, harvesting corn in hardscrabble soil for the Pentecostal preacher who convinced members of his congregation to sell all their earthly possessions and follow him to a “City of Refuge” in the high desert. She was 50 years old, or close to it. Even so, she slept in a tent with my pre-teen mother, winter and summer; endured harsh conditions that shape-shifted with each passing season. But if you look closely, you’ll see my maternal grandmother’s personality, writ large. True to form, her shoulders are squared and she’s bearing her burdens with a smile.

I visited the City of Refuge during one of my “Nancy Drew” adventures. This and other discoveries–and the ways in which they intersect with my own story– are included in my memoir, CAN I GET A WITNESS?