It always starts with a similar refrain: “I know this is sick and insensitive, but…”  I know now to take that as my warning, since I usually can’t stomach the punchlines of that kind of “joke.” And so it is that today’s Internet chatter and headlines are making me feel a bit ill.

Saddam Hussein was executed last night; and while some of us are seeing this as a somber, reflective moment in history, others are dancing on his grave, laughing and whooping it up. I need the celebratory noise to end so I can think. 

I do understand that this isn’t a black-and-white issue; the man whose lifeless body swung from the gallows last night was a murderous tyrant, guilty of atrocities against countless innocent victims and, by all accounts, an altogether evil man. For his crimes against humanity, people clamored for justice. But given our own government’s gladhanding of Saddam during the time he was committing his atrocities, do we also bear some measure of responsibility for those heinous crimes? And in any case, is capital punishment a means to justice or revenge? 

When we choose or condone levity as a response to Saddam’s death by hanging, are we also laughing in the face of our own humanity? And if we celebrate the sight of his corpse, twisting in that noose, are we making a mockery of all that’s good within ourselves? 

I certainly can’t speak for anyone else about all this…I’m just asking some serious questions of myself.

I suspect this plan has been forwarded so often that it’s starting to seem like SPAM. But in the middle of a mighty, seemingly futile struggle to organize my office, it sounded so inviting, so deceptively easy that I decided to re-post it into my own blog for further consideration. From ArtBizCoach, by way of several blogs:

“I have, what I call, a Clean Slate week between Christmas and New Year’s. During this week I clean my office, clean out files and cabinets, set up new files for the New Year and wrap up any loose ends. I also review my business and marketing plans and update them with my new goals for the New Year. And, of course, I make a new prosperity board that pictures what my goals and aspirations are for the New Year. Doing all this helps me start the New Year with a clean slate.”

I wish I could figure out, once and for all, how to clean up my clutter. Every once in a (long) while, I tackle the piles that accumulate on my desk, floor, and credenza…but they regrow and mutate into archeological digs in no time flat. My office is clean (that is, no spilled food or beverages, and no dust to speak of), but it’s filled with stacks of books and scattered papers.

I need a quick-and-dirty (ha!) method to get to that Clean Slate, then a system keep things in order afterward. If you’ve got ideas, I’d love to hear them. I tried FlyLady, but she just buzzed around my ears, leaving trails of unread emails in my Inbox.. And books on the subject…well, they just get added to the stacks, unread. If you’ve got some practical suggestions for getting organized once and for all, help a girl out, will ya?

In 1990, American author John Guare wrote Six Degrees of Separation, a play that catapulted an obscure academic theory into popular culture. “I read somewhere that everybody on this planet is separated by only six other people,” Guare wrote. “The President of the United States, a gondolier in Venice, just fill in the names. I find it extremely comforting that we’re so close […] I am bound, you are bound, to everyone on this planet by a trail of six people.” 

Last July, however, psychology professor Judith Kleinfeld swept that theory into the dustpan of disproved hypotheses. “The pleasing idea that we live in a ‘small world’ where people are connected by ‘six degrees of separation’ may be the academic equivalent of an urban myth,” she said.  

Rather than tackle the pile of papers on my desk, I thought it might be fun to procrastinate do my own experiment with the Six Degrees of Separation hypothesis. So here’s my attempt to connect you, me, and six celebrities. 

1. Let’s start with former President Gerald R. Ford, who, at age 93, died yesterday at his Rancho Mirage home. I didn’t see President Ford himself, but I waved at a small group of his Secret Service men as I drove past his desert home in a Rolls Royce golf cart last spring.

2. President Ford loved outdoor sports altogether, but he was especially fond of skiing, as is our California governor. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to terminate his ski vacation in Sun Valley, Idaho after breaking his right femur – just a few short days after sending me a holiday greeting card that featured a Christmas fir tree he’d painted himself. The tightly-structured letters in his signature look identical to the ones he wrote when he signed my legislation into law back in September, but the card’s also signed by his wife, Maria Shriver.

3. Back in October, Arnold Schwarzenegger put the kibosh on critics who tried to associate him with President George W. Bush. “To link me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar. That’s ridiculous,” the Governator told Jay Leno. But a serious discussion about the potential extinction of polar bears may require Bush to cozy up to Arnold and other environmental advocates.

4. President George W. Bush is an avid bicyclist, and apparently, Paris Hilton’s now taking up the sport. After her DUI back in September, she reportedly traded in her silver car for a bicycle. (Fact-checker alert: Last time I drove down her street, Paris had a Bentley parked in front of her house, not a Benz. And hello, reality? Does anyone besides me have trouble seeing Ms. Hilton using a bicycle for anything other than a prop?) 

5. I’m certainly not BFF with Paris Hilton, but we do have a few things in common.  On at least a couple of occasions, she guest-starred on the hit series, “The O.C.,” the SoCal county in which I live. Also, Paris says she’s trademarked her oft-repeated phrase, “That’s hot.” However, I openly admit that I’ve co-opted and up-marketed the phrase, and that I’m using it as a title for my nonfiction book, THAT’S HAUTE. Finally, Paris Hilton’s appeared many times in People magazine and its sister publication, TIME. Coincidentally, I was once quoted in a TIME feature story, when I had a different last name. 

6. But You landed a spot on the cover of TIME, didn’t you? The magazine put you into the spotlight of fame when it chose You as its 2006 Person of the Year. So this makes you the sixth link in the chain that brings us all together into one united Circle of Trust.

If, like me, you’re in the mood for procrastination mental gymnastics, I challenge you to play the Six Degrees of Separation game.

According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, there are approximately 300 million people now living in the United States. Consequently, even though we take pride in our individualism, it’s getting harder to come up with unusual names.

Some monikers are more common than others, of course. For example:
503 individuals are named George Bush
18 answer to the name Donald Trump
6 call themselves Jesus Christ
2 go by Britney Spears

But in the entire U.S. and A, there is apparently only one me.

So there you have it, for whatever it’s worth: statistical proof that I’m one in 300 million.

Dear Mr. President,

A couple of days ago, you said, “We’re not winning…but we’re not losing” the Iraq war. Nevertheless, when asked by a reporter if you were “still willing to follow a path that seems to be in opposition to the will of the American people,” you answered in the affirmative. 

Your words, Mr. President, were astoundingly obstinate: “I am willing to follow a path that leads to victory, and that’s exactly why we’re conducting the review we are. Victory in Iraq is achievable….And our objective is to put a plan in place that achieves that success. I’m often asked about public opinion. Of course, I want public opinion to support the efforts. I understand that. But, Jim, I also understand the consequences of failure…” 

I felt certain a rebuffed American populace would take to the streets. But we didn’t. Dutiful, complacent citizens that we are, we headed to the mall, heeding our Commander-in-Chief’s command that we “go shopping.” 

And so it is that you continue your march toward “victory,” accompanied by drummers that echo in your head but that are dog-whistle silent to the rest of us. 

Meanwhile, an IED from your calamitous war just exploded in my family’s midst. My brother-in-law, who’s well into his forties and serves in the Reserves, has been called to Iraq. This means he will have to put my sister, who’s bedridden with Muscular Sclerosis, into a nursing home so she’ll have the necessary care he has, to this point, lovingly provided. As you no doubt already know, our military is stretched so thin that commanders are now calling up (and recalling) recruits and reserves from the bottom of the barrel. “Hardship” deferments or shortened tours of duty? Those are relics of a bygone era, reserved for you and other members of the silver-spooned elite who are now waging this war on the back of citizens who can barely afford to eat pork and beans off paper plates.

Tell me please, Mr. President, where I can buy a little more time together for my brother-in-law and his family…or if that’s not possible, how about letting me borrow some of (inexplicable) your peace of mind? And if you can focus your attentions for a while longer, would you please also explain how many more sacrifices you’ll require of us (and of our Iraqi brethren), in support of your ill-conceived, wrongly-executed, and unnecessary war?

Regardless of your wreckless words or misguided actions, I’m still optimistic enough to pray for peace and believe it’s possible. I’ll just need to accompany those prayers with a fervent wish that wisdom be granted to you, our Congressional representatives, and all others who are responsible for your oversight. God bless us, and help us, every one.