Defying Gravity
First things first: I’m jumping for joy because I won 3rd place in Robyn Schneider’s Better Than Yesterday Prank Contest! If you missed my ribbeting entry, you can catch it in re-runs here.
There’s no suitable segue for this next little tidbit, except to say that it was the original reason I wrote the title for this post. It’s not a joke, I promise…
A few days ago, I was slouched on my couch, memoir-writing manual in one hand, pink highlighter pen in the other. The mid-afternoon drowsies were kicking in, so I reached for my t.v. remote and turned on Oprah. I sorta heard her say “Spanx,” but when I caught the phrase, “anti-liposuction, cellulite fix,” I sat bolt upright and cranked up the volume.
On and on, Oprah extolled the magical powers of this sleekifying garment, while her audience (me, included) sat transfixed. I swear, it was like watching a tent revival meeting one of those Sunday morning infomercials! Ten pounds, gone in the twinkling of an eye? Yea, verily and where’s my Visa? I belieeeeve!
I logged on to Nordstrom.com and typed in my order. At the last screen, however, I was second-guessing my size selection, so I clicked the Live Chat with Customer Service link.
Customer Service Representative: “Welcome to Nordstrom.com! My name is Jeff. How can I help you?”
Me: I need help figuring out which size Spanx to order. I’m 5’2.
J: That’s a very popular item. Our customers are very satisfied with this product and I’m sure you will be, too.
[J pauses for more typing]
J: I have the size chart in front of me now. Will you please tell me how much you weigh?
M: My goodness gracious, Jeff, what kind of question is that to ask a girl you’ve only just met? *blink blink*
[Long pause, while J reads, then chooses to ignore my pathetic attempt to avert embarrassment Scarlett O’Hara imitation]
J: Would you like to tell me your weight so I can facilitate your order?
M: Well, okay…but once I tell you, I’ll have to kill you, you know.
[Long pause, while M types in the numbers, hesitates over the Enter key, and then sends off her response.]
M: I weigh X. Promise you won’t sneak this information into my customer profile? Promise me, Jeff, promise me now!
J: I see here on the chart that you straddle sizes A and B. Would you like a looser, more comfortable fit? If so, you may want to order size B.
M: Honey, now that would defeat the whole purpose of buying suck-it-all-in leggings, don’t you think?
J: Is there anything else I can help you with? If not, you can close the Customer Representative button and complete your order.
M: No, not unless you sell something that camouflages bruised egos. Oh, and Jeff? You’re dead to me now.