First things first: I’m jumping for joy because I won 3rd place in Robyn Schneider’s Better Than Yesterday Prank Contest! If you missed my ribbeting entry, you can catch it in re-runs here.
There’s no suitable segue for this next little tidbit, except to say that it was the original reason I wrote the title for this post. It’s not a joke, I promise…
A few days ago, I was slouched on my couch, memoir-writing manual in one hand, pink highlighter pen in the other. The mid-afternoon drowsies were kicking in, so I reached for my t.v. remote and turned on Oprah. I sorta heard her say “Spanx,” but when I caught the phrase, “anti-liposuction, cellulite fix,” I sat bolt upright and cranked up the volume.
On and on, Oprah extolled the magical powers of this sleekifying garment, while her audience (me, included) sat transfixed. I swear, it was like watching a tent revival meeting one of those Sunday morning infomercials! Ten pounds, gone in the twinkling of an eye? Yea, verily and where’s my Visa? I belieeeeve!
I logged on to Nordstrom.com and typed in my order. At the last screen, however, I was second-guessing my size selection, so I clicked the Live Chat with Customer Service link.
Customer Service Representative: “Welcome to Nordstrom.com! My name is Jeff. How can I help you?”
Me: I need help figuring out which size Spanx to order. I’m 5’2.
J: That’s a very popular item. Our customers are very satisfied with this product and I’m sure you will be, too.
[J pauses for more typing]
J: I have the size chart in front of me now. Will you please tell me how much you weigh?
M: My goodness gracious, Jeff, what kind of question is that to ask a girl you’ve only just met? *blink blink*
[Long pause, while J reads, then chooses to ignore my pathetic attempt to avert embarrassment Scarlett O’Hara imitation]
J: Would you like to tell me your weight so I can facilitate your order?
M: Well, okay…but once I tell you, I’ll have to kill you, you know.
[Long pause, while M types in the numbers, hesitates over the Enter key, and then sends off her response.]
M: I weigh X. Promise you won’t sneak this information into my customer profile? Promise me, Jeff, promise me now!
J: I see here on the chart that you straddle sizes A and B. Would you like a looser, more comfortable fit? If so, you may want to order size B.
M: Honey, now that would defeat the whole purpose of buying suck-it-all-in leggings, don’t you think?
J: Is there anything else I can help you with? If not, you can close the Customer Representative button and complete your order.
M: No, not unless you sell something that camouflages bruised egos. Oh, and Jeff? You’re dead to me now.
*howling with laughter*
Oh GOD, I’m dying here–that’s utterly priceless. Sweetie, you probably scarred that poor boy for life. *snicker* I love it.
However, I have to say, I’m a little amazed– Spanx have been around for several years now and Oprah’s only just now getting around to extolling their virtues?
I’m not sure if he was even capable of independent thought, poor soul.
Spanx has some new products out on the market. Plus, the entrepeneur who developed them was featured, and she gave Oprah 1 million dollars for her all-girls school in South Africa. That was a tear-jerking moment!
I’m not sure if he was even capable of independent thought, poor soul.
Spanx has some new products out on the market. Plus, the entrepeneur who developed them was featured, and she gave Oprah 1 million dollars for her all-girls school in South Africa. That was a tear-jerking moment!
*howling with laughter*
Oh GOD, I’m dying here–that’s utterly priceless. Sweetie, you probably scarred that poor boy for life. *snicker* I love it.
However, I have to say, I’m a little amazed– Spanx have been around for several years now and Oprah’s only just now getting around to extolling their virtues?
See, there’s the proof. For years I’ve said that those so-called customer service reps are, in truth, scripted bots that only *act* like they’re real. There’s no way in God’s green earth that a guy who was actually breathing wouldn’t have taken the bait, just once.
I was wondering that myself, by the end of our conversation!
You should have told hi you wanted to buy him a sense of humor. Hello? Isn’t it part of good customer service to attempt to be somewhat friendly. Sheesh. he could have gave you a little chuckle at least.
Now I’m off to check out the garment. I hope it can make more than 10 pounds dissappear. I’ve really slacked on my workouts the last 2 months…
As I mentioned up-thread, I started to think that he was maybe, just maybe, a machine instead of a man. His responses were soooo mechanical!
As I mentioned up-thread, I started to think that he was maybe, just maybe, a machine instead of a man. His responses were soooo mechanical!
You should have told hi you wanted to buy him a sense of humor. Hello? Isn’t it part of good customer service to attempt to be somewhat friendly. Sheesh. he could have gave you a little chuckle at least.
Now I’m off to check out the garment. I hope it can make more than 10 pounds dissappear. I’ve really slacked on my workouts the last 2 months…
YOU CRACK ME UP
I know I keep saying that but you are so funny
in a wholly natural way.
DO YOU KNOW THIS?
I am trying not to laugh out loud because the entire house is asleep (finally) and I’d rather not disturb the peace but…
Girlfriend, you are a riot and a half.
Not sure why you need that Spanx but take it from one who knows: I’ve worn them under Better Outfits and they Work. They do not hurt to wear. You can breathe. But your belly does go down and makes for a smoother line. Love you, Ms. Spanx. {}
You too, the Divine Ms M! {}
For serious? I make you laugh? Ooooh, *is happy about that!* Laughter is a healing for the soul, isn’t it? It ranks right up there with the matzo ball soup (“Jewish penicillin,” as my Long-Island-born hubby calls it) we ate for dinner last night!
((Love you, too))
For serious? I make you laugh? Ooooh, *is happy about that!* Laughter is a healing for the soul, isn’t it? It ranks right up there with the matzo ball soup (“Jewish penicillin,” as my Long-Island-born hubby calls it) we ate for dinner last night!
((Love you, too))
You are SO funny. I’m glad you’re my friend, even if you did make me snarf my Postum dangerously close to my computer.
Jeff is dead to me now, too.
I love laughing with you, but darlin’, that Postum is no laughing matter! Here, friend o’ mine, try a mug of the goooood stuff: hazelnut/vanilla beans, fresly ground and brewed just for you!
You are SO funny. I’m glad you’re my friend, even if you did make me snarf my Postum dangerously close to my computer.
Jeff is dead to me now, too.
Ba-hahahahaha!
I try to be friendly with those online people too and I’ve found that no matter what you say they ARE NOT HAVING IT.
You totally crack me up!
Before Jeff was officially Dead to Me, I actually pictured him as one of the Undead. Such a lifeless response!!
LOL. Yes, you must kill him!
I was blushing to read that “you straddle sizes A and B.” Hearing him say that would have sent me into fits of laughter!
Congrats on the prank award!!
Ha ha ha ha! I didn’t pick that up until you mentioned it just now. Gah! I missed an(other) opportunity to pull Jeff’s leg!
(thanks, by the way!)
Poor Jeff–probably some socially awkward guy with no idea how to respond appropriately. Hee.
Gee, you think? Either a clueless male or an automaton…interchangeable characters, no? =:)
Okay, I had no idea about these Spanx. It is a good thing you are my friend, I have so much to learn.
I’m glad we’re friends, too, but we’ve got Oprah to thank for this insider tip! 🙂
OMG That is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
😀
I bet Jeff loves his job!:o)
Congrats on the contest– I can’t believe you ony came in third!!
A Mars vs. Venus episode, don’t you think?
Thanks, Liz, for the congrats and vote of confidence. I had fun writing my essay and I hope everyone enjoyed reading the winning entries.
Yes indeed! I just went and read the entries, and the winner reminded me of one a couple friends and I pulled in college. We spent so much time in elevators on campus that one jokingly suggested they ought to have bar set up in the back that served people as they got on. We couldn’t do that, of course, but one evening we comandeered an empty elevator and visited floors, grabbing a table here, a lamp there, a stack of magazines. We set it all up so it was like a nice living room, and then pushed the first floor button. We all sat in the chairs, perusing mags. When the door opened, there was a well dressed woman standing there. We looked up from our mags at her, as if we were surprised to see her. She stared, and didn’t get on. Next stop, basement. We unloaded the contents of the elevator, and tore up the stairs to the second floor balcony and peeked down at the elevator lobby (it was a cathedral-like setting– three floors opened on the central hall). There she was, standing in front of the elevators, with a security guard, explaining her story.
Finally the elevator opened, with nothing inside.
I always wondered what she made of it.
Oh, that’s FABULOUS! You totally should have entered the contest!
Hope you’re feeling better today.
You know, I’d forgotten all about it until I read that entry. We did have some fun times. The one that came to mind when I saw the contest was when, one summer during high school, my boyfriend and I went to toys r us and tested out all the squirt guns for range, and then drove around squirting people with their windows down. Some kid in an expensive convertible got mad and chased us up and down the hills until we finally lost him.
Nothing I’d recommend– scared the daylights out of us. And anyway, it wasn’t nearly as funny as yours
Tito’s son told me stories about The Gloved One riding anonymously around Encino with his nephews, shooting saucer guns at cars they passed. I can’t verify it’s true, but can you imagine?!?
By the way, I just got an email saying the cards I ordered (with your LOVELY Valentine’s Day image imprinted on the cover) shipped today. Yay!!!!
Wow!! What a concept!! At least ours weren’t harmful– and it was a really hot day!
Of course, today, we’d probably have been expelled for carrying things that looked like weapons and pointing them at people. Times change *sigh*
Hope you like the cards!
😀
Oh, that’s FABULOUS! You totally should have entered the contest!
Hope you’re feeling better today.
Oh, that’s FABULOUS! You totally should have entered the contest!
Hope you’re feeling better today.
A Mars vs. Venus episode, don’t you think?
Thanks, Liz, for the congrats and vote of confidence. I had fun writing my essay and I hope everyone enjoyed reading the winning entries.
I’ll bet my buddy Jeff would be happy to help Snoop figure that out! LOL
I know an intimidating 27 lb Maine Coon cat that could use some Spanx and would LOVE to give Jeff a call…..
Oh, meeoowww!
=:)
Oh, meeoowww!
=:)
LOL…poor guy…men will never understand women and their fixations with body image. Never.
Poor soul…no visual cues from me to help make the task easier. heh!
LOL…poor guy…men will never understand women and their fixations with body image. Never.
LOL! My gosh, me thinks Jeff is very lacking in the sense of humour department. And I don’t think he’ll be winning any employee of the month awards either. 😉
Oh, and congrats on the contest!
Gisele 🙂
Thanks, Gisele!
I don’t think he had a sense of humor, either. Or maybe he was really an it (a computerized response system, that is).
That sort of technology freaks me out–computers answering customer service questions. Scary! Makes you wonder what’s next.
That sort of technology freaks me out–computers answering customer service questions. Scary! Makes you wonder what’s next.
LOL! My gosh, me thinks Jeff is very lacking in the sense of humour department. And I don’t think he’ll be winning any employee of the month awards either. 😉
Oh, and congrats on the contest!
Gisele 🙂
LOL! My gosh, me thinks Jeff is very lacking in the sense of humour department. And I don’t think he’ll be winning any employee of the month awards either. 😉
Oh, and congrats on the contest!
Gisele 🙂