Southern Signs

I spent a lot of time in the South as a little girl. Even now, I find myself reverting to the Steel Magnolia sensibilities I learned on the front porch while shucking corn, snapping beans, and singing hymns. But what I didn’t know until this very day is that Southerners have their own astrological signs! Or so I’ve been told by the friend in Alabama who sent me these Southern Signs. 

I’m a Butter Bean, all y’all! How about you, your mama ‘n’ ’em?

OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra canlook back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he ismotivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They  can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.  Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going tobe easy. You always have  a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics.  Maybe not: you think you know it all.

POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother- me-about- it  attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You  are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the  mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very,  very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal lifegoes, if you are Collards,  stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 – Aug. 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the  heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard.  Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you  like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves  you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.